PSYCHOLOGY OF LIFE
Just because your body matures, doesn’t necessarily mean that you feel mature inside of yourself. Conversely you may feel you are very mature, and keenly embrace all this brings your way.
No matter what it is you are doing, do you act in ways that honour yourself?
It’s easy to look outside and use what everybody else is doing to compare and rationalise whatever we do and why.
And it’s even easier to look outside and normalise behaviours that don’t have deep respect at their core, simply because they are common.
The world is full of examples of disrespect – in how we speak to each other, how we behave and or treat each other, what we do to each other and more. And this is not to guilt or shame you in any way – as part of being human, we all do things that are harmful.
If you are anything like me, the changes your body has been making throughout puberty puts you in a position where you receive lots of (male) attention, but you don’t necessarily know what to do with that.
But equally, you may also – as I did – feel an increasing sense of loneliness that grew as I did, physically. This was born out of a growing gap between the innate sense of knowing who I am and what I saw being reinforced in the world around me.
The girls who handed over their bodies got the guys.
But why?
With the socially acceptable age where sexualised relationships could be introduced (everyone else was doing it), the promise inherent in the otherwise threat of physical intimacy, offered alleviation to that loneliness.
Ironically, that search led me into an abyss of destructive behaviours, far and away from the love I was actually craving. These behaviours preceded anyone else treating me as less than precious.
I made those first steps alone, treating myself as less than precious, and ultimately developing deep-seated reservations about my worth as a woman and human being.
Everything else came thereafter, as if to confirm and compound those initial steps away from myself.
The behaviours that can play out in our search for (any kind of so-called) love are endless.
Some examples when in social situations can include:
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gossiping
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denigrating or speaking badly about others
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ganging up on people
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deliberately excluding them
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pushing, shoving or beating up on others
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agreeing to things you’d rather not do
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putting yourself or others into compromising situations
Some of the ways we can find ourselves trying to cope with what we see or feel that isn’t right in the world around us, can range from:
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compounding abuse through deliberate self-harm
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using alcohol and drugs
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sleeping around
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indulging in super late nights
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too much Netflix
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overeating, bingeing, purging or starvation
Sometimes, and even more subtle, can be the way we take on the effort to ‘make things right’ or ‘to be good’. This can include:
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burying oneself in books, escaping into stories and fantasies
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diving into sports, driving yourself to fit an image, or using it to ‘deal with emotions’
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academia and the pursuit of knowledge to make yourself feel worthwhile
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people pleasing – which begins at a young age for most and can end up as fuel for future rebellion.
And in many ways, all of that’s okay – no one here will judge you for any of that. We’ve all done it!
But what gets us in the groove of searching for love outside of us?
Believe it or not, love isn’t what we are sold in the movies.
It’s not about flowers, chocolates, romance, wine and sweet talk.
It’s a quality of being, a quality within you and all others that holds everyone equal in respect and honour, including you.
That’s because love is, deep down, our true nature.
There’s joy in it, but there is also a depth of settlement, a harmonious connection that unmistakably holds you, and it’s true to say that everyone can feel it, however difficult that might seem at times.
If you are not feeling that in your relationship or between the sheets (with whoever and wherever you may be), then you are setting yourself up to feel less than worthy of love, and therefore for being hurt.
The physical and/or emotional outplay may be just one of the consequences.
We all start out knowing love:
Just think about a newborn baby and the beautiful presence
they hold themselves and us in.
(See also preciousness)
At our core is an incredible being that, once we leave this babyhood stage, is seldom given permission to shine.
From that place of knowing ourselves as love (because we are), we all register in our bodies instantly any single interaction where love was not at the heart of it.
If we put these innate senses front and centre, guiding how we move through life, they begin teaching and instructing us so much about ourselves, others, about life and the world around us.
If love is actually connected to as being a fundamental part of our nature, it can lead us to experience the return of an abundant supply of that love.
However, more often than not, we allow this sensitive, tender, caring, delicate sense of ourselves, to get crushed.
And that’s no truer for girls than it is for boys.
De-sensitisation has become a rite of passage into manhood, and it starts younger for boys that it does for girls.
Boys who stay true to any kind of delicacy are relegated to the judged ranks of homosexuality, as if there is something wrong with them.
It’s few who can resist pushing away their otherwise sensitive nature to become society’s version of the ‘macho man’ he is supposed to become.
But anything that has been rejected must be replaced – you can’t be full of nothing!
If not sensitive, tender and delicate, then a boy becomes everything but what that innocence will otherwise make him to be.
Thus, how can we expect boys to not be rough, aggressive, jarring, harsh, and yes, even outright abusive, when they have already been largely rejected for what makes them inherently caring and sensitive?
To not be true to yourself is an abuse.
With that, it’s now more easy than ever before to see the impact of porn.
No-one ought to be naïve enough to believe that most – if not all – of us have seen or used porn, be it in still or moving images. Even words play their part.
And whether you’re into it in a big or small way, even just the briefest of encounters can have profound impacts.
Young girls and women get the message not only from hardcore porn, but from a porn-influenced mainstream culture:
‘If you want to be worthy of love, first and foremost, you have to be worthy of sexual desire’.
And now, the definition of sexual desire almost equals ‘be like a porn star’”, says Ran Gavieli, Director of Eye Level Sex Education, in his TEDx talk.
Why do we watch porn?
Porn is like a stimulant, that is reached for when one feels lonely. Instead of being in the desolation of loneliness, it’s a safe and ready alternative to real human interaction. Because we’ve all been hurt by others, real human intimacy can at times be too confronting, with needs and wants, pressures and demands, expectations not met, and all the obligations, threats and disappointments that follow.
An interface with porn provides protection from all of that.
You use it and it provides you with moments of temporary relief, but it uses you far more than you may realise.
No matter if it is soft, hardcore or in-between, porn’s presence is pervasive, hanging around beforehand and inciting you look at it, then lingering for days after viewing.
Porn provides a subversive legacy that urges you always towards more.
In that same presentation, Ran Gavrieli states,
After making a habit out of porn – it conquers your mind and it invades your brain – and I lost my ability to imagine, which means, I found myself … trying to fantasize desperately about something, about something human, and not making it, because my head was bombarded with all those images with women being violated, and subordinated and being forced into pretending they enjoy [it].
When you consume porn, it then becomes the food of your thoughts. If you are watching rape or violent sex, you can unwittingly insert yourself into the picture – it affects your thoughts and movements.
And while this is not intended as an exercise in bashing porn, or a conservative attempt at repressing sexuality, what we consume is not just electronic waves of light but imprints upon our body and our selves, constantly influencing what we will accept from others, and what we expect in our lives and what we are then able to build for ourselves in life.
So, do we measure our maturity by whether or not we have sex?
Or can we measure our maturity by how loving and respectful we make our relationships?
What if we were to develop and mature WITH innocence – boys AND girls?
Would this help ensure that we have experiences that are not abusive to ourselves and to others?
REFERENCE
TEDx Talks. (2013). Why I stopped watching porn. [video]. Accessed 4 May 2021 from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gRJ_QfP2mhU.